#chicken run self insert

[dolls-self-ships]

how to talk to girls

step 1. ?????

[hvackisser]

Sorry I've been gone for a while, folks! Experienced a bit of burnout and then got sick 😭 but I'm recovering now and I'm cooking up something for y'all I think you'll like hehe

[helimir]

if you’re ever worried that you’re being ridiculous about a piece of media you can just go on tumblr and find 50 people way more unhinged about it than you are and I think that��s beautiful

[chaotic-chicken-lady]

CHICKEN RUN SELF INSERT?? 🐮

she remains nameless; Louise will do for now

Still working out a more fleshed out backstory for her.

She's a kind soul, Mrs Tweedy isn't fond but puts up with her politely because.. Business opportunities and all that.

[thedummycattoartist]

Hello guys!, wow first time posting something on Tumblr oof (Srry it's first time, I literally started on how on using it this app since last year lmoa)

Anyways I hope can post some art over here, I literally not so active (sometimes) lmao

So todays I do this art of @dolls-self-ships 's Chicken Run Self-insert (Daphne) and I can tell you, she's so adorable fr! ^w^

She's so adorable and sweet AJJAGSJDHDHAGS 😭💕✨

I love so much your self-insert fr!

So I wanna dedicated this fanart for her bc she's so cool!

I hope you like it :D

I hope you have a goof day/night! ❤️✨

Bye ^^💐

TAGS🐾:

[amateur-selfshipper]

Info about my Chicken Run S/I, Winnie!

Her name is Winnie Harbuz

I don’t have her backstory figured out quite yet but she probably works for an American business that sends her and a large team of employees to Yorkshire to make some kind of deal with Fun Land Farms and work together probably ~5 or 6 months after the events of Dawn of the Nugget

She’s not very close with most of her coworkers, so she’s pretty nervous about the whole thing

Then she gets there and sees a guy in a chicken suit and goes “Oh I can’t NOT befriend him”

The Chicken Man turns out to be Dr. Mark Fry. He’s eccentric but very nice and they click pretty fast.

Winnie’s first impression of Mrs. Tweedy is “Is this lady aloof? Or is she just British?”

Over time Winnie and Tweedy grow to strongly dislike each other. Winnie resents how domineering and abrasive Tweedy is while Tweedy loathes how much Winnie’s strong will and free spirit remind her of a certain escapee chicken.

As their friendship grows, Winnie can’t help but think that Mrs. Tweedy is very lucky to have Dr. Fry as her husband. At least until she sees how Tweedy treats him and has to add another reason for resentment to her list.

She may or may not grow a teensy-weensy crush on him.

Eventually they become close enough that Dr. Fry asks Winnie to call him by his first name. After all, they’re friends and it’s not inappropriate because he’s not her boss.

Winnie starts standing up for Mark whenever Tweedy lashes out at him.

Winnie’s like a breath of fresh air for Mark; she’s bright and friendly and genuinely values his opinions. He appreciates how smart she is and how good she is at working with others. She’s kind and loves people, animals, and the world around her. The first time they had an argument where she raised her voice at him, she apologized immediately and cooled down.

She is, however unwilling he is to admit it, the opposite of who Melisha is.

Uh Oh

[z0mbiebatz]

Birthday!!

It's my bday today, wanted to draw some gay so self insert x Dr fry lol

It's a little lazy since it's sorta rush

[bookshelfpassageway]

help the chicken run part of my brain is still activated after watching that sequel and it won't turn off

[ysaefinn]

Pairing: Dilf!Satoru Gojo x gn!reader x Dilf!Suguru geto

In a marriage you pick up each other's slack.

It's a partnership first and foremost, spouses don't have to necessarily operate as a merged unit but it should always be them against the problem.

Suguru is an extraordinary cook, nothing short of an artist with his tools and ingredients. An alchemist with spices and sauces, and a surgeon with knives. Two big calloused hands coming down on the freshly put-together batch of dough, effortlessly kneading away at the mass, shaping it so ~so~ easily into whatever shapes he desires. It's a little odd to think this but there's something...~sensual~ about it, maybe it's the casualness, maybe it's because it almost feels like a subtle reminder of what he can do, that you are yet to see his physical abilities meet their limit. Regardless, the display coupled with the golden rays of the sun, shining on his unwavering gentle smile, reflecting on the silver strands of his contrasting inky locks, giving the illusion of crystals meticulously woven in each strand. Suguru puts angels to shame.

Satoru rests on the other side of the coin. According to the silver-headed man, brute force is the only way around a car engine, you can't possibly get a vehicle to start moving without giving it some maintenance with your fist. Lifting heavy parts and maneuvering them requires a lot of strength and stamina, both are qualities that Satoru has managed to retain throughout the years. Rough fingers easily popping small pieces on and off, inserting rods and poles with a swift push of his hip. The black engine oil that seeps out is quickly nipped in the bud with a rough thumb shoved into the leaking hole. And once the problem is solved he runs his whole hand through his pure white hair and cracks his typical joke of turning into his husband before giggling to himself every time. It's very sloppy and messy the way he goes about things, but as long as it gets him where he needs to be, he won't be changing the way he operates.

It doesn't make Suguru the happiest man in the world watching his husband beat a non-living object somehow to death, he couldn't even entertain the thought of going about things the way his husband does. But that's what Satoru's here for! To take care of the things Suguru would rather not and vice versa, –since the white-haired man doesn't have the patience for marinating chicken or baking food for hours–.

Because in a marriage you pick up each other's slack!

–

"That's my baby.." you finally reach your peak with a drawn-out whine, coating Suguru's entire hand in the process, the man wastes no time licking his finger clean from your slick while running his other large hand up and down your tummy "you're doing so well, sweet thing" he moves his palm around your waist before squeezing at your flesh gently and you shudder in response "making us so proud like always, sweetheart". "Satoru, focus on keeping those pretty wrists together, we're working on being braver and not hiding our face, right?".

Right, this was a lesson.

By the time your vision clears from your orgasm, Satoru has finished wiping off the juices you left on his face from your earlier climax, and he takes the chance to kiss your drowsy self rough and messy catching you completely off guard. He's ripped away from you just as quickly by the hair.

Suguru's hands are more than capable of being cruel and unforgiving when it comes to you.

"Be gentle" Suguru scolds, an icy cold tone –almost unrecognizable– "they're still sensitive" and he's back to cooing sweetly again, Suguru is only ever this mean because he knows his husband can handle the heat.

The silver-haired man falls back with a grumble "Ugh, you never let me do anything" he whines childishly, earning a playful raised brow from his husband. "That's only because you don't know how to be gentle" Suguru counters "You brute.." A warm heavy hand rests on your head before petting you like a well-loved kitten, as if the smallest of sudden movements can hurt or distress you. "You have to be gentle with them. They can't handle how rough you get at times, Satoru".

Oh he doesn't have the slightest idea.

You can definitely without a single shadow of a doubt handle Satoru when he gets his hands on you. Unlike his husband, Satoru listens to your requests of a rougher pace loud and clear and gives you exactly what you wish for –something Suguru has never approved of. But on the other hand, he is much softer and more intimate with you when his head is between your thighs. Suguru however, would rather watch you squirm and whine and cry from that same angle. Now that is what you can't handle.

And it makes sense because in a marriage you pick up each other's slack!

"Can't handle how rough I get?" Satoru scoffs before looking back at you and lovingly rubbing your thighs "Seems Sugu doesn't know the first fuckin' thing about what you can and can't handle sweethe–A-ah!" Suguru interrupts his husband's sass by yanking him by the hair again and pulling him in for a kiss. All teeth all saliva.

Satoru pulls away to catch his breath, lips bitten and swollen crack into a smug grin. "Daaww you mad? Jealous that you know you hold yourself back? What kind of boyfriend are you Sugu~?"

It's really all in good fun –it would be at least, if this didn't question his dedication to caring for you to a degree– but his jaw still clenches and his eyes narrow as if challenging the man. He is undoubtedly bothered, yet still chooses the high road to ensure you continue to be in the spotlight. Classic.

The long-haired man releases his grip and moves over to scoop you up in his arms, he slides his hands from your waist down to your thighs before spreading your legs wide open for his husband. You jolt back and sink more into his plush chest, clearly still overstimulated from the previous peaks they forced you to reach. Suguru coos before kissing your cheeks sweetly and whispering something about not being shy or trying to hide from them.

"Use your mouth for something useful for once" he gestures to your aching core "come on, don't keep them waiting".

And Satoru gets into position without another word– for now–, moving forward and placing your legs over his shoulders, he pecks your left inner thigh before looking straight at you, –Azure flames shocking your senses, a strange cold sensation washes over you– sending shivers down your spine. It doesn't pass unnoticed, your men exchange fond looks.

It's like your little reactions are bonding moments for them.

But as long as Satoru's in the room, it wouldn't last.

"See? Very responsive. There's clearly a favorite~" Satoru purrs, and his husband rolls his eyes "Giving good head doesn't make you a better lover, Satoru" he scoffs, but still refuses to derail "But keeping our baby needy certainly makes you a terrible one, doesn't it sweetie?" Again, a noticeable softness in his tone when he turns to address you. "Now come on, get on with it"

"I want you to admit it first"

Suguru sighs "...you are good with your mouth".

"Just picking up your slack. That's marriage after all!"

[lynnie-s3all]

HELLO HELLO !! I LOVE YOUR HEADCANONS VERY MUCHHHH !><

I JUST WANTED TO ASK IF YOU COULD DO HEADCANONS OF SHEDLETSKY BEING A FATHER TO THE PLAYER !!

IF YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH !!!

SURE. I give you two options...

Father figure Shedletsky x reader

(i don't proofread my works so thanks. )

If you're the player who's a Shedletsky main:

For a player, it's obviously you in real life trying to play Forsaken in roblox. ON YOUR COMPUTER/PHONE.

You're a Shedletsky main, and you adore this man of course, for being silly little patootie epic emoji on his face.

Imagine the devs would give him voice lines, really fucking cool if it does exist. Well what can I say if he was giving out advice?

Like what would I think about him just reading your mind at that one point he's straight out giving you advice so you can stay focused on the game? Hell yeah.

It's okay if you tried many times to use the slash and keep missing it out, like what can i say? He would know that he's inside of a game and it really wouldn't hurt if he did get killed. Maybe not? But he'll probably say dialogues like "be careful not to get too close!" Sounds basic? Definitely is.

Hey... whatever you're trying to do some stupid stunts like... Accepting your fate that you're basically going to die as Shedletsky, fair enough. Do anything you can anyway. He's the not the one controlling himself, it was you. So, do what you can.

When you're the survivor in the game:

Woohoo! New survivor? Omg, it's your self insert oc in it!

Ok you're definitely not noob in this situation, IM NOT TELLING YOU ARE A NEWBIE IN THE GAME IM TALKING AB THE YELLOW ROBLOX AVATAR-

So what traits do you have or abilities? You're a stunner? Whatever the wiki says : "sentinel survivor"? Yeah. If not then probably the one whos a support survivor at the same time. But then again, you can't have more than 2 jobs at once you need at least one skill that you can do.

Oh you're almost dying? He can't give you fried chicken, dude. Atleast you're LUCKY he has a medkit at all costs.

This feels more like best friends trying to help eachother out raher than Shedletsky trying to be a father figure or something, like first of all, i can explain how is he becoming one, you just need to wait when i finish explaining this whole survival round.

After you patched yourself out, jason was all in out here already dashing towards you and he stepped in and SLASH! He's stunned guys.

He grabbed you by the wrist and just ran all away out from him to escape before be regained back his ability to even run out and get you dince it's only a minute left, it will be fine for you two.

ALWAYS, AND I MEAN ALWAYS LETS YOU TO BE BEHIND HIM AT ALL TIMES. He doesn't want you to get lost and lose you since, you're the only two are in this round left, jason was too powerful to kill people like ngl since when did he become so op...?

Hahathe last few seconds before he can even hit you has already ended and now you're safely back into the cabin like usual.

You know, now it's time for me to give proper headcanons for this man being so caring.

all text are in orange for this because that's what im about to headcanon him out to be honest.

As a father figure, his goal was to protect you at all costs, no matter in what situation, especially when it comes to killers, stay behind his back, even if you insist on trying to help him out too but he will eventually try his best.

Okay but during cozy times or just free time, he would cook some chicken and give some to you, because sharing is caring, apparently.

Anyway he treats you like a child, telling stories about this one infamous hacker named 1x1x1x1 (yes and he's traumatized after seeing him during other rounds) that he's evil even though he's the one who sreated him in the first place but he never tells you about it because he doesn't want to show the truth to you.

Going out with him during errands and seeing a cat out of nowhere, he'll steal them and keep it as a pet. I mean, it's a stray cat, i think you can make in inti a house cat. He knows how to tame them don't worry.

He adores kittens more than adult cats, but FAT CATS??? Ohhhhh look how much they are soooo chonky he really likes them :3

He can have as many cats as he likes but he wouldn't want a lot since the house would be covered with fur everywhere. He only owns one because he hates risking for having 2 cats in the house and made a whole mess. Amirightttt?

Best father figure ever.

[dolls-self-ships]

they finally kissed !! a real win for chicken lesbians everywhere

[hvackisser]

On another note

Ginger chicken run 🧍‍♀️🐔

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

About A-Town, could you see, in the second season, they'd potentially do a David plotline (by accident, since the Animorphs don't talk about him), by introducing a new "recurring" cast member as a student who stumbles into the overall plot? And they're "edgier" than the main cast and represent the "hard choices" character, etc, and eventually are poised to betray the Animorphs and join the Yeerks, so they have to be removed in a TV-friendly way. Bonus if they date one of the main cast.

[For everyone just tuning in: A-Town is my idea for a shitty postwar sitcom about the leader (Brandon) of a team of teen shapeshifters, his best friend (JJ), his occasional girlfriend (Crystal), his cooler cousin (Trina), her on-again-off-again aviationship (Liam), and her beau's stepsister (Gina). Any resemblance to real persons, living or deceased, is entirely coincidental. Our legal team said so.]

What if this character is also Jeremy Jason McCole's self-insert Mary Sue? Assuming JJM's the same age as the Animorphs themselves, this'd put him at age ~26 playing age ~15 as of A-Town, but that's pretty standard for Hollywood.

Zachary the New Kid first appears at a meeting of The Gathering, chatting with some cool controller kids. The camera follows him as he walks out of the meeting, around the corner, and out of sight... a housecat walks out of the alleyway a second later. We smash-cut to Crystal's barn tree house, where the cat climbs up the ladder and into the window. "Zack!" JJ exclaims, "you scared me! Good thing we have you spying on the meetings of The Gathering, the secret alien organization. Ever since you joined the team last month after catching us morphing behind those dumpsters, you've used that cat morph more than any other — you're a real cat man at heart!" Cue laugh track; evidently this line is meant to be funny.

Zack may or may not live in Brandon's house. He refers to his parents having been taken by the yeerks, and over half his scenes are filmed in Brandon's bedroom, so...

The main plot of Zack's first episode involves him declaring he'll do "whatever it takes" to defeat the yeerks, and Brandon being worried that he's "going too far." Since A-Town never shows onscreen violence and involves lots of fauximorphs casually blowing up entire Yeerk Pools by pushing a button, it's not clear what either of these extremes would entail. None of the obvious answers (killing hosts, using oatmeal Chicken 'n Stars, siding with the andalites) ever comes up in conversation. In the end, Brandon and Zack hug and agree to put their differences behind them.

His catchphrase is "E-ZACK-tly!"

Zack's major running plot involves JJ being insecure because Trina obviously likes Zack better than him. JJ goes through various antics to win Trina back, and eventually succeeds, but then! The camera shows Zack hiding in a dark corner (of Brandon's bedroom) making out with someone, judging by the moans and smacking sounds. "Daisy" (Zeptron 420) flicks the lights on, and they scream in shock — it's Zack and Crystal! "Daisy" screams too, something about "filthy humans!" and runs off downstairs.

Brandon finds out about Crystal and Zack (presumably Zeptron tattled? or he just walked into his own bedroom?) and declares he and Zack must fight to the death. Brandon morphs his terrier Mopsy, Zack morphs a beagle, and... Well. There's lots of footage of Mopsy yapping and Zack-the-beagle howling, and Liam and Gina's narration assures us that there's a vicious dogfight happening just offscreen, so we'll take the show's word for it. Even though the footage clearly shows both dogs' tails wagging furiously the entire time. The episode ends without us finding out who won.

Between episodes there's a fan poll: should Zack stick around? He loses by a landslide.

Zack's penultimate episode opens up with him meeting "Daisy" in a back alleyway. Not only does he kiss her on the cheek — he's cheating on Crystal! — but he buys a pack of cigarettes from her. Zack walks out of the alleyway and straight into Liam. "This isn't what it looks like!" Zack declares, as Liam watches "Daisy" and the other Gathering controllers wave goodbye to Zack after he was clearly colluding with them. "I think," Liam growls, "it's e-ZACK-tly what it looks like. Cigarettes are an addictive substance, and contain over 40 different chemicals that cause cancer. Plus, cigarettes are uncool. We can't have someone who smokes on the team." Zack begs for another chance and promises to quit, but then — the mid-episode twist — offers a cigarette to Gina, who accepts.

The final episode opens with the other fauximorphs all telling Zack he can't be on their team anymore. Gina smoked one entire cigarette thanks to him, and she's just an innocent young... person. Entity. Being. Phenomenon. Look, the point is, cigarettes are DANGEROUS. Zack weedles his way into going on one last mission with the fauximorphs, where he heroically sacrifices his life to keep the others safe by letting the controllers capture him so the others can get away.

For the entire rest of the show, there's a memorial statue to Zack in the corner of the tree house. If you look very very closely in some of the shots, you can make out that the epigraph just says "SMOKING KILLS."

[emotionaloof]

Random PD headcanons I have that have no canon proof I just think they're neat:

feel free to comment, discuss and add your own in reblogs and comments

Lightspeed is a villain fucker. She keeps falling for hot evil ladies, they are her kryptonite. (Also i hc Lightspeed as a lesbian)

When Mark was a teen/young adult he used to be obsessed with Imagine Dragons. He'd listen to Believer and go damn deep. Later in life after lizardfication he'd listen to Radioactive and be like damn that's me.

During his depowering era, Tide started to teach himself how to cook. He set his kitchen on fire many times during that time. But every time that happened he'd try to use his powers to extinguish it only to then realize that he doesn't have them anymore. But maybe that was for the better because most of the fires were oil fires so water would not help.

In canon Dakota snores and talks in his sleep right? I think others also have their small quirks when it comes to sleep. Vyncent drools. He does it so much he often wakes up with a wet pillow which isn't pleasant. William hogs blankets and sleeps wrapped in them like a burrito - you can't see his body, it's just a pile of blankets. Ashe used to sleepwalk a lot as a kid, but doesn’t do that much anymore. Nowadays he sometimes sits up and just stares at a wall or gets up just stand over whoever is also in the house.

Vyncent has darkvision. Which is why he's very much aware that William watches him sleep at night.

While Vyncent and Dakota are fit and kinda ripped, William and Ashe aren't. BUT. William is a hiker - he can’t run for long nor very fast, but hiking? He can do that for hours on end. Ashe on the other hand has a sleeper build - while his legs are weak as he's not a fan of running nor hiking, his arms are surprisingly strong from playing drums. He constantly surprises people because that's a slim arm but then he flexes and BAM that's a muscle. First time he opened a tightly closed jar in front of William, Will cried because what the fuck man they were both supposed to be weak.

Vyncent knows how to cook. But only Fauna dishes and after the microwave disaster he's afraid of Prime's kitchen equipment.

Doomed old man yaoi of Bacon-man and Wordsmith. It's doomed because Bacon-man is greasy and Wordsmith can't touch his books with all that grease. That's it. I have no explanation why I am like this.

William has bee allergy, Ashe is lactose intolerant and Vyncent has very low caffeine tolerance. Dakota claims to not have any allergies nor lack of tolerance - and even if he has, that would be the last of his worries considering what he has eaten.

Ashe's main in Mario Kart is Shy Guy

Dakota’s closet is like 90% hero merch

Vyncent has an entire binder filled with all the credit cards he has collected over his time on Prime

Dakota has written multiple self-insert oc fanfics in style of "adopted by One Direction" but in his case its "adopted by Prime Force" and its purely platonic. Also it has very heart wrenching backstory of the oc, because it was the only way Dakota allowed himself to kinda think about his feelings and vent

Idk how s1 canon works anymore but i still think that Dakota and Doug are like friends from way back when. Like maybe even before high school (makes the betrayal sting more). Anyway, they would brawl and beat each other constantly - like whenever there was a moment they could throw hands in a bro way, they would.  Ofc that stopped when Dakota became a hero and the plot of s1 started. But after s2? They're back to throwing hands. Yes Doug is still in his wheelchair. That does not stop them and it never will.

Dakota and Cross have a minecraft server together. They've added a lot of heroes to it and so far it's going great. The only problem is that Dakota’s house keeps getting filled with chickens and he has no clue who could do this. Little does he know that William built a chicken farm under his base just to repeat this prank every few weeks. Vyncent is the only person who isn't on the server - he is not to be trusted with a video game alone. And he's okay with that. William sometimes lets him play from his account when they hang out.

Tide loves romance novels - he often asks for recommendations from Ms G and Wordsmith. William once wondered if he should introduce Tide to Ao3 or other fanfic site, but then he remembered all the hero rpf that's going on there and decided against it.

Bobo loves sleeping in people's laundry. When looking through their clothes piles or when doing laundry PD and Tide have to be very careful to not disturb him or accidentally put in a washing machine.

Because he finally turned 18, Dakota wanted to cover his body with real Ms G tattoos, not those temporary ones. In the end he gets convinced to get two (a small whistle on his wrist and her autograph on his leg) but also he starts getting other tattoos to represent his friends.

The purps get matching tattoos of a wolf with a knife between his teeth, doing a skate trick while wearing heelies. It's the coolest tattoo ever

One time William took Vyncent to the cinema to watch a movie together, since Vyncent seemed to enjoy watching movies with William (especially during their 10 months alone). Totally not because he can pretend in his head this is a date, what noooooo... But surprisingly Vyncent hated it. He later explained that he hated that he couldn’t talk (he got shushed a couple of times) because he had questions and he likes when William explains stuff to him in the movies. At that moment William promised himself to never take Vyncent to a cinema ever again and only do home movie nights.

Vyncent cried on his first night at college. And this hc actually has some canon backing.

Dakota loves gossip and he has multiple bets with different heroes about WATCH dramas. William and Vyncent getting together (or at least kissing) is just one of many.

1. He canonically cried when he was homesick during s1.

2. He canonically doesn’t do well when separated from the rest of PD - remember him going insane when he was alone during training arc? My man started imagining his friends because he couldn’t handle it.

3. Since coming to Prime Vyncent and William never separated for longer than maybe a day? Okay, William spent a month in spirit world getting his shit kicked - but for Vyncent it was maybe an hour of no William (a very horrible hour of sadness and despair from seeing his best friend ripped in two but still just an hour). My man was never away from his bestie since he got yeeted into Prime - the separation anxiety is going to hit him like a truck and I know he will cry about it

When Dakota started living with Tide after s2 (I assume that's what happened judging from the finale) they started doing Trash TV Wednesdays - aka they watch the worst of the worst of reality TV and judge the hell out of it. One time they both cried to "Say yes to the dress" because the girl looked so stunning and her fiance looked so in love and what's more beautiful than two people in love...

Vyncent ears move around with his emotions. It's like with dogs - they go up when surprised, lower when sad or confused etc. They also twitch during his sleep when someone says his name.

[forsaken-headcanons]

(Rubs my hands together EXTREMELY deviously)

What if the spectre made the survivors hybrids just to fuck with their sense of self and turn them against eachother, and decided what kind of hybrid each would be depending on who they are the closest to, and make them creatures that COULD actively harm eachother, turning the mostly part time game of survival to a nonstop torture-fest. (Ex, if shedletsky was a chicken hybrid, the spectre would make builderman a wold hybrid)

(Runs away EVILLY)

- EVIL whimsy anon (insert the most evil and devious bluumoji you can think of)

oh. oh you. oho. oh when we Get you. /silly

GRRR SCREW YOU BUT ALSO THIS IS SO PEAK WTFFF,,, it'\s always the evil headcanons.... evil... you're all evil... /j /lh

[noideasforausername]

crumpled letter.

description: sirius black x literally whoever (self-insert or existing character, anything works)

word count: 0.7k

warnings: angst? (basically all I write is angst are we even surprised at this point)

───────────

Sirius was used to being on the receiving end of an absurd number of letters – written confessions – on the regular. It had been admittedly entertaining at first, grown rapidly concerning and ended up becoming quite bothersome. By his sixth year, he’d taken the habit of simply throwing them away: the dizzying shades of pink an eyesore, particularly first thing in the morning.  

Blue, black, red and occasionally gold ink, all conveying one clear message through their various deviations from the boring “I like you” (that is, of course, with one singular and minuscule heart over each individual i). 

That particular morning, things were about as outwardly ordinary as possible: the nauseatingly colourful pile dropped next to Sirius’ goblet a testament to this statement.  

It seemed that the owls’ brief period of strike was over – for Hogwarts had seen this rare phenomenon earlier that year, the animals having reached abnormally high levels of annoyance with the repetitive act of carrying the garish mail to a less-than-grateful black-haired student. 

Sirius had half a mind to leave them there. Maybe that would give his faceless – and nameless in some cases – admirers a hint. But he didn’t. Instead, he crumpled them all up with a flick of his wand, a motion he knew by heart, and stuffed them in his pocket (the waiting room before they’d inevitably find their home in the depths of the nearest trash can.)

Amongst them, a white envelope. One so ordinary it should have stood out from the pile. Black ink on a standard piece of parchment.

 

“Here it goes. I have tried writing this with flourish and charm, but this is my last piece of parchment and I fear I will chicken out if I do not send this now. 

I’m aware the chances of you reading this are slim. Perhaps that’s why I decided to write you in the first place. But I have tried everything. And being a small speck in the sandstorm that causes that frown to appear on your forehead every morning seemed a fair price to pay.  

Let me start, or better yet continue, by clarifying one thing: this is not a love letter. I am not writing to beg for a chance of your eyes meeting mine in anything more than a passing coincidence. Instead, I hope that this will end up at the bottom of your pocket, and that the rage I hold will burn a hole right through that expensive black silk, setting the rest of the letters aflame and silencing the voices you crush daily with the barest swish of the wrist. 

You, Sirius Orion Black, are infuriating. Your face is irksome. Your grin is positively maddening. The curve of your cheekbones, the angle of your jawline, the glint in your eyes, the way you so effortlessly carry yourself – as if taking up space is what you were born to do. I’ve come to believe that you are taunting me indirectly.  

And I wish you would stop. Or maybe what’s even more aggravating is that I can’t picture a life in which you do. It is unfair, that we are unable to look at the sun for too long without being blinded, and yet no matter how long my eyes rest on you, my vision stays intact.  

I have made it my mission to ignore you. But not only has this proven impossible, my stubborn nature has blown this situation out of proportions, resulting in a pair of invisible, unmovable binoculars that constantly seek you out having replaced my eyes.  

I have no explanation, no enchantment ever recorded matches the effect you seem to have on me. This slow, torturous, pit in my stomach knowing that somewhere between these walls, your chest is rising and falling in rhythm with my own.  

I have many more insults to throw your way, but I am running out of paper. All that to say, though you may believe you dispose only of devoted admirers, there is someone in this very castle whose life has been thrown off its axis for no apparent reason other than your very existence. I hope that getting this off my chest and sending it your way will break this unbearable cycle. If not, this is my formal way of telling you to fuck off Sirius Black. Fuck off and put my life back the way it was.”